Just Joking

A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR............... and the bartender said: "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we we…

**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING** Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will ofte…

Seems this has been around years, only just seen it.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.. something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 compensation to come to you from the insurance company and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! but.. the thing is, it…

My my oldest was about six, he took to pouring hair shampoo, shower gel etc into the toilet, pulling chain to cause bubbles, We started to notice the products not working as well because he was topping the bottles up with water. Now married with 2 kids himself, with a Girl 10, she is very goody two shoes, loverly kid never a problem, and a boy 6 who is very stubborn, full of mischief just like he should be. last night he is telling me the girl was complained about her toothbrush tasting of soap. Don't be silly she has been told (thinking it was a ploy), but she is very persistent. So my Son watches her clean her teeth before going to bed, tastes the brush and has a st…

I saw this story on the BBC News iPad App and thought you should see it: Outstanding mistakes of all time After a string of newsworthy errors, Charles Nevin stumbles through the annals of time to choose his favourites from history. Read more: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-magazine-monitor-22902556 my favourite? Popey, who was the son of a typo - enjoy

.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-22887138

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady (Gina) asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on track. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything on the aeroplane. She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young…

Hey guys, Have you seen the new ADT logo? I know its hard to believe, as it's not even on their website yet (makes sense I suppose) but there are already a couple of customers who have removed their 'new' boxes and put them on ebay, typical I suppose these days! Have a look here; http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/261039398328 http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/370620182171 Can't wait to get my hands on one!

Sh#t. The. Bed.

http://www.fittedhomealarmsystems.co.uk/order-alarm.aspx

Love it . Corgi escort services..

How do you get off a "Non-stop flight"?