Co Pilot

[james.wilson]

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady (Gina) asked
if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four
crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the
Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on
track.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he
was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system
problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next
one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible
for everything on the aeroplane.

She turned to the First Officer and
asked, "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's
sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young
man, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has
told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f**king advice, he'll ask
me."

[matthew.brough]

Lol

[PeterJames]

 

 

This one has been doing the rounds for a while but I think it is very very funny 
 Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After
every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet'
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here
are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[norman]

seen them before but very funny.

[norman]

Some more in the same vein:-

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has
no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were
apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant
announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a
seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a
very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the
cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing
during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."

Photo by Matthew Wright

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50
degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used
for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please
paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure
to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

 

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on
this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand
at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I
ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing
in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on
this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke
'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine."

[Neutech]

Not planes but Boats

 

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 11 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call!

[Oxo]

LOL

Apart from that started as a American warship

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

What does QANTAS stand for?

Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards

 

What does QANTAS stand for?

Quick And Nasty Typical Australian Service

[PeterJames]

very old this one