Just Joking

Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The…

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/denmark/8768598/Sperm-bank-turns-down-redheads.html

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy said, "Yes, she did. "Well, then, please tell your mother that …

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that bro…

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the …

No prizes, but who knows what this pub was once better know as? http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?q=westbury+park+bristol&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Westbury+Park,+Bristol,+City+of+Bristol,+United+Kingdom&gl=uk&ll=51.48022,-2.611527&spn=0.009435,0.027466&t=h&z=16&layer=c&cbll=51.48033,-2.611682&panoid=ZMpi-NnMZPLToR5kleUtfA&cbp=12,44.43,,0,8.37

Ok ok. Calm down . Had some weird stuff lately, even for me -: I'm having a 'run round' day picking up service calls and small quotes. I get a call from a client reporting a bad smell comming from the alarm panel. Puzzled, I ask him ti describe the snell but he admits his sense if smell is non existent - causes a quiet giggle but I worry it's a burning smell. I fly over there pdq, to mention they run a family hair dressing salon in their home, he has done for years and 9800 iirc 20 years old. Get in the door I can smell something pungent in the hall but can't locate it's origin as it keeps fading. I to don't have a sensitive nose at the best if times, I sneeze arou…

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis,…

AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D..D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decid…

Have you heard about the church that caught fire by lightning and burned to the ground. They didn´t get the insurance money, because the owner had started it the fire.....

From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story - : Recently a routine Garda Síochána patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it wa…

This guy is Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto: He was married to --- this woman. Her name is Cibele Dorsa. She is a Brazilian swimsuit, Victoria's Secret, and Playboy model. He divorced her because he fell in love with this woman: These two are very happily married right now. Some people that love is blind. This story clearly proves it... It proves that men are capable of real love; truly seeing a person's inner beauty, not basing their decisions solely on looks. Oh, by the way... The new girl is Athina Onassis. She's worth 12 billion dollars. Kinda brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

I can be so cruel... Last night I was playing Snap with a guy who stutters...

A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for £10 as she didn't have a womb. I asked how we would do it, she said " Acwoss the woad against the wailings"