Just Joking

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing.

There's been a fight in the biscuit tin. A lad called Rocky, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by... a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbling with a Ginger Nut and an accomplice, only known to the police as Rich T. Unfortunately they dont have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it.

Rolf Harris is to release a 'Aus-Aid' single on Friday to raise funds for the Australian flood victims. 'Why's Me Kangaroo Drowned Sport' is expected to reach no.1 early next week.

My female friend asked me, "Do you think I should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? Or will he not care?" I answered, "Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obliged to give him a B-job." ...She laughed and said, "Thanks, that's cheered me up a lot." I modestly replied, "No problem. That'll be one B-job please."

----------------------------------------------------------- Kate Middleton asks the queen for secrets on a long and successful Royal marriage. The queen says "wear a seatbelt and dont piss me off!" ===========================================================

......And I said to her "Pipe down fat ****" She says "If I had a pound for everytime you called me fat ****" I said "You ******* have darlin" Bang !

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed …

My f**king neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums... -------------------------------------------------------------- Johnny was sat in his Biology lesson when all of a sudden the teacher shouted across the classroom, "Johnny! I said, how do you make a hormone?!" Apparently, "dont pay her" was not the correct answer... -------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife and say "2 sugars, fat ****." -------------------------------------------------------------- --…

A bloke gets a knock on the door, and answers it to reveal two Coppers. "Sir, we've come to speak to you regarding the dangerous behaviour of your dog - it has been seen chasing a man on a bike." "Not my dog" replies the bloke, "My dog hasn't got a bike."

A woman has been admitted to hospital with a Dyson nozzle wedged in her fa**y, the doctors say although she is in intensive care, she is picking up nicely !!

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

I met this girl and took er home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me "Where the hell did you meet her?. She is crosseyed, bald, bowlegged and she has no teeth" I said "No need to whisper dad, she is deaf"

An Essex blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy on the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok?" she says. "Yes" he replys. "You can play with the other kids ya know." "It's best I stay here " he says. "Why?" says the blonde. The boy says "Because I'm the @@@@ goalie."

Does it work on Orange?