Just Joking

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next m…

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' ' Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, …

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks. Separately,Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: 'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians'. 'This culture has been developed over two ce…

Police are warning people to be on the llook out for terrorists who entered the heonz spagetti producing fatctory and managed to fill tins of alphabetti spaghetti with bombs Police say if the bombs are detonated it could spell disastor.

Heard this joke about fire alarm engineers whats the comon thing between paramadic and fire alarm engineer they both lazy and says we we we wew ew i guess its not funny

1. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. 2. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. 3. An optimist thinks that this is the best of possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true. 4. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. 8. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it. 9. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. 10. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. 11. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Two Little Kids in Hospital Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,

Church Bulletins They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: -------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick…

>> A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots >> a >> beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends >> over >> >> to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she >> looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident >> and >> prays that a sales person doesn't popup right now. >> >> As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a >> salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying >> complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady w…

>> Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room >> at >> >> each side. >> >> With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from >> your >> >> sides and hold them there as long as you can. >> >> Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. >> >> Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit >> longer. >> >> After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks. >> >> Then try 50lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you >> can >> lift a 100lb pot…

This is neat. I don't know how folks figure all this stuff out. Enjoy.. 1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW) 2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE 3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK 4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY 5 CLICK ON 'OPEN' ENJOY! Don't forget to click on 'OPEN' !!! Coffee Machine

Car Parking The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts. Film Confusion The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on t…

A German guy approaches a lady of the night. 'I vish to buy sex viz you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 80 an hour.' '..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a leetle kinky.' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to …

So what does a 20 stone, 7 ft 4" woman look like..... (This could be a caption competition.....!!)

FOUR THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: FIRST Emergency The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out. SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your …