Just Joking

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks where the Tampons are. "Over by he cotton wool sir" replies the Pharmacist. The guy comes back with cotton wool and toilet roll. "Thought you wanted tampons?" asks the Pharmacist, the man replies "I asked her to get me fags last night and she got me baccy and Rizlas instead, so tonight she can roll her own!"

A Christmas Story to brighten your day, particularly if you're having a bad one: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup …

I will predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it withoutscrolling down to the answers. Pick a number between 1 and 9 Then x3 Then +3 Then x3 again. You'll get a 2 digit number. Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1. Muhammed Ali 2. Alan Shearer 3. Bob Marley 4. Winston Churchill 5. Elvis Presley 6. Pele 7. John Lennon 8. Bobby Moore 9. Gary Glitter

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=7x0i4996oq

1. Ahhh...I see the stupid fairy has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stu…

'Why it's important to understand English' I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short queue. Just one lady in front of me; an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen> > for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo > yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'>

New Words for 2008... * SWAMP-DONKEY. A deeply unattractive person. * TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking //.B.W.F.//. * BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. * SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. * SALMON DAY.. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. * CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. * PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to se…

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

C.

3 womans joke Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figur…

A man comes home and finds he has a letter from the Inland Revenue advising him that he's going to be audited. In a panic, he calls his accountant: "OMG, I'm going to be audited, what do I do?" he says. "Don't worry, I have all your receipts and paperwork in order." Says the accountant. "But I have a piece of advice for you: wear scruffy clothes, that way the auditor will think you're down on your luck and take pity on you." The man then calls his lawyer to see if there are any legal ramifications related to auditing that he should know about. "...and remember, if anything doesn't seem right, call me!" says the lawyer. "Oh, and one other thing: wear your best clothes s…

Life in the Australian Army... Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to s…

Two aliens landed in the desert near Birdsville. They spotted the petrol station that was closed for the night. They walked up to the old time petrol pump and the younger alien addressed It saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ign…

Wedding Night. Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her Wedding; during the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me! Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. 'Harder!' yelled Camilla. Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm Trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight! 'Come on! Give it all you've got! She cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaime…

Did you hear about the chinese couple who had an albino baby........... .......it turns out two Wong