Just Joking

kermit the frog has swine flu, hes been having it away with miss piggy and aint used a condom wot a muppet

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but.... 2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia 2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe. It gets worse........ next year...... 2010 - Chinese year of the //.B.W.F.// - what could possibly go wrong?

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, > and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful > woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight > toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. > >

THE LOVE DRESS A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained... 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly b…

SYMPTOMS: - Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers. - Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar. - Bad temper: things start to easily rind you up. - Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot. - Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire. - Developing a sty in either or both eyes. - Urgent cravings: for a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples. - Wanting to fight: Shouting things like "Gammon have a go if you think you're hard enough". If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note…

This one really brought a tear to my eye... very moving. A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. …

This hot lady walks into a bar and orders a Double Entendre. So the bartender gave it to her.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan . Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies. Britain , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

Part I: Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.…

A blonde runs out of petrol and 'phones her husband. Blonde: "I've run out of petrol and I'm scared to fill up because of this swine flu!" Husband: "You daft blonde, it's in Mexico ... not Texaco!"

A Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "S…

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, b…

After British Airways flight BA293 reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is John Stirk - your captain for today. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York JFK to Manchester. The weather ahead is good, and we have a following jet-stream, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight, arriving 30 minutes before our scheduled landing time. So sit back, relax and ............ OH, JESUS CHRIST!" Absolute petrified silence followed from all the 225 passengers! A few seconds later, the captain came back on the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentall…

Your Hair smells nice!!!! Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' > > > > > > The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.