Just Joking

The love story of Ralph and Edna... Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'E…

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.' 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck. 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman. 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?' 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?' 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.' The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but…

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

A man stopped me in the car the other day, he said "Can you give me a lift" I said "You're looking great, the World's your oyster, go for it!" ------------------------ A mate of mine plays the trumpet, I said "Can you play 'The Maple Leaf Forever'?" He said "No, I have to stop after two hours or my lips go numb." ------------------------ Two elephants fell over a cliff......Boom, Boom! ------------------------ I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I …

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought

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 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue  31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the Christmas lights were plugged in  142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts  58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers  19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate  British hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents  101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet  18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumpe…

The golden years have come at last! I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks, no sense of smell, I look like hell, my body

Woman dwarf goes to doctors. "Doctor I've got a really sore f@nny and I don't know what to do about it. I've tried creams and they just dont work. Doctor grabs a pair of scissors and makes a couple of clips here and there. Dwarf says " Thats much better doctor what on earth did you do?" "I just cut off the tops of your wellies."

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new > girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she > lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and > decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality > gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too > personal. > > Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a > dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a > pair of knickers for herself at the same time. > > Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two &…

PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED!!!! Some jokes to brighten up your day The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters! 85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet I'm really p*ssed off! Someone

The Morning after the Office Party. Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Chris tmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly a…

SENIOR CITIZENS are the nations leading carriers of AIDS!!! Hearing AIDS, Band AIDS, Roll AIDS, Walking AIDS, Medical AIDS, Government AIDS and most of all, Monetary AIDS to their children!

Spotted this this morning at my local Falkirk store C.

Thought those cameras were dodgey "Click on the Pic"