Just Joking

These are sentences typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depresse…

What really brought tha plane down in the Hudson River

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Employee of the Month

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the…

Man 1 Can you smell gas? Man 2 Smell gas?!? I can' t even smell my own name.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that the…

1st > 2nd > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtNGFh-dCe0

elephant says to the camel "why you got two huge tits on ya back man!" the camel turns and replys "thats good from some one with a //.B.W.F.// on his face"

Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run…

With 2009 upon us I have now learnt the true meaning of old age. Last week as I lay basking on my verandah, my wife, who had been engaged in some domestic maintenance, came to me and said : "Darling, what I need is a really long screw." Without a thought I went out to my shed to look for one.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true ( believe that an you'll believe anything)and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the …

A ventriloquist was performing at the local pub, he made many blonde jokes and halfway through a blonde in the third row stood up and began shouting "WHY DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN DISCRMINATE AGAINST WOMAN FROM ACROSS THE WORLD JUST BECAUSE OF THE COLOUR OF THEIR HAIR, YOU DISGUST ME!" to which the ventriloquist stopped and began apologising "listen hen i'm sorry" "SHUT UP MISTER" the blonde replied " I WAS TLAKING TO THE LITTLE SH*T ON YOUR KNEE!"

YA, HAVE TO LOVE HIM....A MUST READ...PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR...READ THIS! HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK, WEARIN AN I LOVE AMERICA T SHIRT PRINTED IN ARABIC . The Plan! You gotta love Robin Williams......Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to with this logic!) 'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.' 1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, No…