SYMPTOMS:

- Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.

- Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.

- Bad temper: things start to easily rind you up.

- Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.

- Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.

- Developing a sty in either or both eyes.

- Urgent cravings: for a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples.

- Wanting to fight: Shouting things like "Gammon have a go if you think you're hard enough".

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non-smoking facility, so you won't be able to have a snout. This could be a false alarm, in which case you can trotter off home, but if the symptoms return, you may need to go to your local farmacy for some oinkment.

And in case you want to know where it is:

http://flutracker.rhizalabs.com/