Just Joking

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to…

Interesting Human Body Facts The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples. The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men wit…

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted…

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane, train or bus, follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!) 1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 2. Remove your laptop. 3. Start up 4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen. 5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 6. Then hit this link (I might put this to the test on the flight to Belfast on Friday...) Clicky here

We were asked to supply live music at our local for the price of a pint, so we took the earth off the duke box.

2 TOUGH QUESTIONS >Question 1: >If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who >were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had >syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? > >Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. > >Question 2: >It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here >are the facts about the three candidates. > >Candidate A. >Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's >had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a >day. >…

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!' 'Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'. So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Te…

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing me.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels …

WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'. Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!. Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging…

A koala bear and a prostitute go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the prostitute says, "No, I need my money. I'm a prostitute and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the prostitute gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "prostitute." She …

=========================================== Blonde Jokes =========================================== A blonde walked into a pub with a ladder on her shoulder Bartender says "whats the ladder for" Blonde replys "I heard the drinks were on the house.". =========================================== A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" =========================================== A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. …

THE BUFFALO THEORY In a episode of '', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this ! 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, exce…

Two children decided to have a go at "Stealing" on their visit to town In November. One stole Batteries - The other stole fireworks. Both were chased and caught. But before thy were caught - they swallowed the evidence. After being in a cell overnight - One was "Charged" and the other was "Let Off". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My mate keeps drinking brake fluid. He says he's not addicted because he can stop whenever he wants -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Funny thing, my mate got a strange fascination for a 5 litre tub of engine oil…

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the o ceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacu…

1. When she is asleep I like to push her out of the bed with my head. When asked what the f**k it is I am doing my response is "I am a rhino" 2. At all opportunities make suggestions that she was adopted and was actually born in the circus. this really p*sses her off. 3. Hide her pajamas, but always in the same place. 4. I can tell you the amount of times I have changed her phone into Dutch. 5. Be really bad at sex......actually this is not deliberate I only did it once but replaced her fave jumper with one the same but a size smaller, joke was on me due to the crass diet we both HAD to go on. Didnt think that one through. Any more for any more?