Just Joking

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: 'I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and Replaced by exact duplicates.' His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is us…

Hi everyone. This isnt so much a joke but a story that has me in stiches even to this day, hope you enjoy. I had been given my work for the week, take the lad with me to a sewage pumping station way down south, strip it and rewire the electrics and alarms and figure out the telemetry system so signals can be sent. Another team of guys had been given the task of renewing the pipe work and removing the pumps as i dissconect them. So there we were all 4 of us snug as a bug in a very small rug, we all had smiles on our faces and was all jovial as we worked. Glen the pipe fitter was eager to start and promptly started nagging at me to dis the pumps at the control panel so he…

A young man called Andrew invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Andrew's flatmate, Sharon , was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. > >Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Andrew and his flat mate than met the eye. > >Reading his mum's thoughts, Andrew volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sharon & I are just flat mates". > >About a week later, Sharon came to Andrew saying, "Ever since…

About a year ago one of you guys posted a spoof e-mail regarding the recall of all bmws due to the none working indicators (i think it was indicators..may have been wing mirrors) could if you still have it post it again as i have a friend who would benefit from it thanks in advance

driving through the local town centre yesterday and came across a traffic jam, a police car was just about to drive past when i managed to flag the officer down and asked him what was going on, He said give me 10 mjinutes and ill come back to you, well 10 mins later he did come back and told me 'theres been an accident up ahead and its quite serious,' he went on to say 'two vans 1 containing tortoises and another containing terrapins have collided' Apparantly the police were treating the incident as a turtle disaster :lol: :lol:

Could anyone posting a joke in tis section be aware of the guideline posted by FCE as it is in the public section? in advance

B)

Spot the deliberate mistake

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk …

>>> Lesson 1 >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> A priest offered a Nun a lift. >>> >>> She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. >>> >>> The priest nearly had an accident. >>> >>> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. >>> >>> The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' >>> >>> The priest removed his hand. >>> >>> But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. >>> >>> The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' …

This is a true story that happened to a mate of mine, called John: John was in the British Army, and he was over in New York, as an Liason officer to US Army, when he and a mate went into one of those Irish Pubs there. You know the sort, where everyone inside is 210% Irish and paint their faces green to prove it. As they leaned on the bar, they started telling non-stop Englishman, Scotsman & Irish-man jokes to each other, and the pub fell quieter, and quieter, but they weren't too worried as they were both 6-foot+ tall. When suddenly this huge hand landed on John's shoulder, and another huge hand landed on his mate's shoulder. And this large Irishman's face appea…

Subject: Marriage!!! Marriage Wife: "What are you doing?" Hubby: Nothing. Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Hubby: "I was just looking for the expiration date." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Hubby: "Sure! What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes and no." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" …

HOME SECURITY SYSTEM (SOUTHERN STYLE): 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of "Guns and Ammo" and a bunch of old NRA magazines. 3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door.... "Hey Bubba - Big Mike, Slim, "Tiny" and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pitbulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but I locked all four of them in the cabin. Better wait outside till I get back." C.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to ****off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. …