Just Joking

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come …

Made me laugh! Paul.

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"...

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???"

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK , made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro. 99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

COUNCIL TAX That should mean discounts for those of us in the UK who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. A grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs runs the extended family. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. The daughter's had a couple of busted marriage…

As it says...

Gordon at the gates While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital has been moved to a more 'central' location and so they cannot get him there in time to save him. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,'says the PM. 'I'd like to just let you in, but I have …

i was listening to BBC Radio Essex yesterday morning (16th0, DJ talking his collegue about BBC Devon asking for a tape for the next mornings program to be sent to them, they had contacted BBC Essex radio station, ordered the tape which was then duly wrapped and put in the post room. while there the lady postmistress decided the sticker was tatty so decided to remove it for replacement, placed the sticker on the fridge to remind her. well, you can guess she got distracted and forgot about it when called away, the DJ then played a taped answer phone message which asked "what had happened to the tape now urgently required - and why did you send us a fridge complete with fo…

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. …

A ventriloquist visiting Wales , walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?" Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloqu…