Tesco`s

[sparky999]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind

him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike

replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a

urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to

do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot

quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten

seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis

elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will

improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap

water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He

deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results

with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[lawandorder]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind

him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike

replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a

urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to

do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot

quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten

seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis

elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will

improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap

water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He

deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results

with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

A scouser rings his local paper and says "hello I'd like you to print an obituary for my wife please, she passed away this morning".

"No problem sir", came the reply, "it costs