Just Joking

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' The girl nodded 'Yes', after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh st…

Subject: SCOUSE CONTRACEPTION >After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer …

To appreciate this joke - Like me you need to be able to picture the event as your reading it. A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can …

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to t…

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was excessive hair in his ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady that if she wanted to keep the problem from recurring she should get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the chemists and bought some Nair hair remover. At the counter the male asisstant told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The male assistant says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a cou…

Q. What do Grateful Dead fans say when they stop taking drugs? A. What is this rubbish I'm listening too? Quote from Keith Richards - Rolling Stones

Q. What do Grateful Dead fans say when they stop taking drugs? ( Answer to be posted tomorrow evening )

to be posted on every works notice board -: 1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. …

The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally the guys' side of the story.We always hear " the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports . It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail.…

Macca's Divorce It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce, and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic. News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long!' She said in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped.' 'She's running around in circles', according to a close friend, 'she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this…

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have you ever sat there having a tattoo and thought WHY DO I PUT MY SELF THROUGH THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

> (Passing requires 4 correct answers) > > > 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? > > 2) Which country makes Panama hats? > > 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? > > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October > Revolution? > > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? > > 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after > what animal? > > 7) What was King George VI's first name? > > 8) What color is a purple finch? > > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? > > 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial > …

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started havin…