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Funeral Parlours


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We refuse to have anything to do with Funeral Directors because we'd hate to have a call out there or be working alongside dead bodies!

Anyone got any scare stories?! There was a spate of thefts round here a few years ago where burglars were breaking in and stealing the rings of the dead fingers ewwwww!

Trade Member

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no so much at the parlour, but when my dad passed, the coutage drew up all very solem and proper, the lead mourner (owners son) beckoned us to the following cars, he returned to the hurse and due to some rain slipped and promptly went flat on his face, ended up underneath it.

now i was cursed with the same brand of disrespectful humour as my dad he always lightened up anything slightly sad, so i just had to honour him and shouted out 'standing room only - no more room on top' cracked everyone up including the funeral pall bearers.

we arrived at the crem with everyone smiling and laughing - put the vicar way of stride and done my dad proud.

he might be gone from this life but always remembered for what he was in it - trouble :rolleyes:

regs

alan

we'd hate to have a call out there or be working alongside dead bodies!

all you need afterwards is a 'stiff' drink to get you into the 'spirit' of things :whistle:

as long as the staff move quicker than the corpse's then they are perfectly safe, as advised by the funeral parlour i lived next door to for 10 years.

:P

regs

alan

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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here's a true story form my youth,

my mate malcolm - the guy responsible for me and the missus meeting (baasstttaard), was a grave digger by trade and worked in Plaistow Cemetary. now behave you lot and no it was not at a 'pay as you go' wake :rolleyes: . hey but what a neat idea :)

some film crews turned up to shoot a period funeral scene for some Tv program, so picture the scene all the actors are in place in full peiod costume, lights, camera, action and they start off all very morbid and sorrowful as required by the script.

malcolm, with that strain of humour these guys always posses, and a local funeral director decide to walk through the back of the scene with an empty casket on their shoulder singing 'i aint got nobody to love baby' causing the cast to wait for it ..........

corpse!

it was so bad the cancelled the shoot.

priceless!

regs

alan

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Back when I was a sparky, we used to do reactive maint for the co-op & this included the funeral directors. I was never happy about working in this enviroment & what really got to me was in the large sites they would have a big selection of different size coffins, at the time my son was about two and seeing half a dozen coffins for kids was something I didnt need to see.

Top tip: if you ever catch fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because i bet thats what REALLY throws you into a panic and dont forget the one thing you cant recycle is wasted time.

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When I used to work at the MRI doing medical and Lab equipment I got taken down to the mortuary on my own request as I had met a student in the social club the weekend before who worked there.

Didn't get to go in the PM room but had a look over the shoulder of the mortician whilst asking to go in the fridge room, interesting sight, I'm not in the least bit squeemish but the next room....

It was just a big wall full of what looked best like filing cabinets and a white board on the other side saying who was in which fridge.

On the side desk, was this tiny moses basket for new borns or still births :( Quite sad really.

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I fitted the system in the chapel of rest in my local town and had to fit a detector in the embarming room.

Thay said if i waited an hour thay would clear out the bodys waiting to be done.

I went in anyway. Not a very nice sight stainless tables with bodys laid out ready to embarm just saw heads and feet but that was enough.

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Ithen asked if anyone had gone in or out of the room whilst she was gone I said no, she didnt say much after that but we never saw her in the morgue area after that.

class! :P

:teehee:

regs

aln

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Guest Bodle - Tech

i Have quite a bit of experience dealing with funeral parlours ect.

as a nipper i assisted with a guardtec and some videx kit in a morterary on nhs grounds,

the job required 20mm platsic tube internally (matched the electrical install).

When drilling 5.5mm holes for my saddles in the morg, the snr told me to "keep the noise down , People r sleeping". I was dying to get into the chiller and //.B.W.F.// him up, but it never happened.

The Post Mortem s were carried out in the mornings and we pitched at noon, the smell.

The other contract was for the co ops recently, Had to fit 15 x bpt s and a few manual code punch locks !

The locks were for the chiller rooms to stop joe bloggs entering.

When completeing the install of one lock i asked the poor old dead guy lying on a table covered up,

" What do you think Mate, good job or what ?"

To my horror he turned, in his grave !

only joking

also

have u seen the tools they have got ?

Lump Hammer, Bolster the works. I dread to think what they are for.

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have u seen the tools they have got ?

Lump Hammer, Bolster the works. I dread to think what they are for.

simple, jocks never give up their loot without a fight

:P

regs

alan

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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The locks were for the chiller rooms to stop joe bloggs entering.
See not with content with trying to do there own alarms, they want to do embalming and post mortems to!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

simple, jocks never give up their loot without a fight

regs

alan

Just as well it wasn't a tight southern ass then otherwise you'd have been tripping over all the power tools and the EEC dead body mountain(due to arthurs tales/imagination) :P

:lol:

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I used to service the CCTV in a local Crem, i was always facinated and had the "XXX" guided tour, doors open while they burn. It was a entertaining to me to see them burning, far from gruesome, but then again it was all down to the location if you catch my drift!

Edited by ian.cant
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Worse then, as you may have gathered i started as a locksmith many moons ago.

Assisted on 24 dead body recoveries over 11 yrs or so, from murdered to overdosed to natural death.

Worst was a sheltered housing unit witht he body being "melted into the bed" covered with maggots. Strange the manager had a master key...............

No i lied, worst was finding a m8ts brother dead of a overdose.

Rest was just normal stuff really, if you count finding bodies that is.

Coppers, piss em ( read my disclaimer below) the ammount of times i watched them puke, or say its a gas leak. Ever smelt a decaying corpse, its not like natural Gas believe me.

cheers

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  • 2 weeks later...

I use to do CO-OP funeral parlours for Modern Alarms years ago.

I once went to a fault call and was directed into a viewing room, I asked if anybody was in there and the reply I got was just "one in a box".

Fine I think I can cope with that and then to my horror found the lid was OFF!!! :'(

You try changing a surface door contact on a fire door next to a stiff. :fear:

Not nice.

Dave

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I was once asked by an American to modify a PIR so that it would keep the relay open for one minute following a detection. He then started asking other slightly unusal questions.

When I queried what the application was it turned out he owned a chapel of rest and was trying to rig up an automated coffin-lid-opener so that the body would be appear on view whenever someone entered the room.

(I suspect he was after extra business by scaring the s**t out of anyone who came in and hoping they had a "dickie ticker")...

Mark

Edited by Mark Pitts
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this threads been interesting, as an off shoot i used to wok the east side of london which had several abotuars on my patch, got to say watch the cows go in the door, and seeing all the 'waste' bins steaming and the smell made me feel real queasy. so always did them when they were not working.

anyone for a burger?

regs

alan

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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I've done a slaughter house as well, a Piggy One.

All I can say is I refused to go in when they were 'working'! :fear:

The only part of the pig they don't use is the oink.

One of my colleagues climbed into the pen and started stroking the pigs saying it won't hurt!! :no:

Dave

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Guest G.J.M

I had to work in a slaughter house when i was a 17 year old kid and went to help on a call out on a sat morning.

I had drunk a bottle of Malibu the night before and as soon as i got in the place i spewed.

Felt better for it though.

Been back several times since during normal operations and it's not pretty.Our last apprentice never came back after we chased him around with a pigs head.(poof)

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  • 1 month later...

hi all,

not security but telecoms in funeral parlour

a little known fact with a Panasonic KXTD 1232 is it has a built in tune for 'on hold' built in and can be listenned to through the handsets. it's not dicumented anywhere but go on a coarse and you get to know.

this parlour had one fitted for several months and the engineer had turned it on, but no one checked what happened when on hold - the tune was an ice cream van version of -:

"bring me sunshine"

when the receptionist hit the background music button and it played out while relatives were making arrangements - till one complained of 'insensitivity'.

priceless!

regs

alan

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Iv just read this thread and cheers guys as iv got a funeral parlour to do. :hmm:

lee

:hmm: lee, well thats a 'spooky' coincidence - watch out for the bogey man, while trying to stay within the spirit of things. :rolleyes:

:P

regs

alan

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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  • 7 months later...

I fitted out a funeral home a few years ago; trouble is, because of all the relatives visiting their departed,we had to work night shift. My mate was very nervous and the owner crept up behind him and shouted at him "are you finished yet?"

After a change of underwear, me with laughing, him not...we carried on.

One of the staff found out about the incident, so he promptly hid in an unused coffin. At 3am aii I saw was my mate running for the door screaming " I quit!"

The staff membe apparently knocked on the lid of the coffin shouting "Help! Let me out!"

All good fun... :rolleyes:

If you need somewhere to put your kit, put it in the embalming room, trust me, no-one will take it. :whistle:

If at first you don't succeed...don't try skydiving!

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I fitted out a funeral home a few years ago; trouble is, because of all the relatives visiting their departed,we had to work night shift. My mate was very nervous and the owner crept up behind him and shouted at him "are you finished yet?"

After a change of underwear, me with laughing, him not...we carried on.

One of the staff found out about the incident, so he promptly hid in an unused coffin. At 3am aii I saw was my mate running for the door screaming " I quit!"

The staff membe apparently knocked on the lid of the coffin shouting "Help! Let me out!"

All good fun... :rolleyes:

If you need somewhere to put your kit, put it in the embalming room, trust me, no-one will take it. :whistle:

i'd say a dead ringer

lol

regs

alan

Edited by arfur mo

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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